Addendum

So, I'm sitting here at work and I'm thinking about this incident that happening to me this past Thursday. It's an interesting incident and I feel like I should share.

My fraternity sponsored a date party, last week, and I was the designated sober brother. It was my job to make sure everyone got home safely and that no one got in any trouble. I mention this, as I want people to acknowledge the fact that I was not intoxicated by any means. So, I'm on the dance floor doing what I do best: dancing. This girl walks up to me and says, "You know, you're really a nice guy and all, but I'm scared to dance with you. It's just so... scary." Then, she proceeded to walk away.

Now meditate on the scenario for a moment... How would you have responded? I honestly didn't know if I should have been offended or if I wanted to laugh in this girl's face.

Meditation and Reflection

It’s been too long since I’ve updated this thing! I’ve had so many thoughts, ideas, and events that should have been discussed on here, but I never made time to do so. I really need to get on that, as I forgot how therapeutic this blogging thing is, lol.

This past weekend was eventful. While my headache and lack of sleep is making me feel like garbage: I think it’s worth it. Friday was a Beta night (yeah, I’m a part of a fraternity). We had the Three Fires ritual and “an Eye.” I stayed up for 24 hours, exactly, and enjoyed every minute of it. Every time I take part in a ritual I remember why I continue to be a part of Beta: the brotherhood, the love, and the comradery. Granted, like any organization, we have our up’s and down’s, positives and negatives, but I can honestly say that I’m glad I chose to be a Beta.

Last night was ridiculous! Abu, Melissa, Kayana, Henry, and I got together to celebrate Abu’s 21st birthday. In true “K-Crew” fashion, it was full of mischief and out-of-control fun! We were all a hot ass mess. Apparently I kicked open a door, a la Rambo style, and there’s a dent to prove it. I also proceeded to make out with select individuals, kick Kayana in the head, wrestle with Henry, and wave my hard penis in the air. Abu fell into his closet and cracked the glass. Henry gave us his taxicab confessions and ALL of us were trying to get at Melissa. I personally think she has some weird power that amplifies people’s libidos. Ridiculous? Yeah, I know. I’ve been de-briefing in my head all day and I’m not sure how I feel. On one hand I’m kind of embarrassed. I’m pretty sure I solidified myself as the group “tramp” and most sexually needy. And, I “put myself out there.” On the other hand, I’m appreciative. The “koonery” that took place was with 4 of my best friends: all of us were a mess and I feel our bond got stronger. I haven’t fully analyzed the situation internally, but as it stands I’m indecisive.

Other Thoughts of the Moment

- I really need to figure out what route I’m going to take after graduation. Do I want to go with Dietetics or do I want to go with Family Studies? Do I want to go to grad school? I feel like I have a lot to do and only a short time to do it. These past 3 years have flown by and the next two will only go faster.

- I’m seriously considering getting the hell out of the Midwest, after I graduate. I can only take so much cold: I HATE SNOW AND I HATE WINTER. I really want to go to San Diego, California. Question is: will I get along with the people? I hear Californians are a different ball game: superficial, snooty, and quite rude.

- I feel myself moving toward a major part of emerging adulthood, and I’m scared shitless about it. I’m freakishly close to the part of adulthood where one has to cut off parental control. The part of life when you sit down and be totally honest with your parents about yourself, your values, and living the life you want to live. My parents have this idea about who they want me to be and the values they want me to hold high, and I don’t necessarily agree with their outlook. My parents aren’t the most open, accepting people I’ve known. I’m sure they would be appalled at some of the things I’ve experienced or some of my current ideologies. Both of them have their preconceived notions about a lot of things they’ve never decided to investigate, in addition to having your “typical” African American “Jesus-Jesus” characteristics. I’m hella nervous about what may happen in the future.

- I’m starting to feel like the “black sheep” in my family. Whenever I go home or talk to my family members on the phone, I feel like I have to dumb myself down, for the lack of a better phrase. The experience and knowledge that I’ve received while studying here, in college, has definitely forced me to re-evaluate my life. When compared to the people in my house I feel like: I’m more willing to critically think about things, be open to new ideas, to be more exploratory in all facets of my life, to acknowledge and accept ideas that differ from my own, and to be less inclined to pass judgment on other people. I don’t feel completely comfortable in my home, anymore, and I feel like people think I’m trying to be a smartass.

I Cried in Class Today: HIGHlarious

So, I'm in Spanish class. We're going over which verbs to use, and how we should construct our sentences when making comparisons. To help us use the language we've learned, and to make class a little more interesting, my professor put up photos of two celebrities. Our goal was to make a comparative statement. For example, she'd put a picture of Danny Devito and Penelope Cruz on the overhead and the class would respond, "Danny is older than Penelope."

So, as the class went on the pictures began to get more and more outrageous. At one point there was a picture of a mutant cat and dog on the overhead... IT WAS A HOT AS MESS.

In the process of the pictures getting outrageous, my professor puts up a photo of Bill Gates.... and compares him with Osama Bin Laden.

At that point I totally lost it! Imagine, I'm in this larger lecture class, dying of laughter. I was first thrown back by the fact that she put up an Osama photo. Then, I realized it was a mugshot! There was one from 2004 and one from 2005. At the point, I only started laughing harder.... It took me about 12 mins to get myself together. I owe Senora Espinsosa for a great morning.

:D

Free Write

- The semester is almost over. I'm excited for the holidays and the beginning of the Spring semester. I find that I struggle during the fall/winter transition. Winter sucks ass! I hate being cold and wet...

- I take note of all of my friends and family. They continue to be a motivating factor in my life; however, I still feel unwanted and very much so unattractive. What am I doing wrong? I continue to strive for the best: good grades, good career path, good morals and values. Nevertheless, I still haven't been able to produce what I seek: a person who will love me for me, and who I can love back. I'm starting to grow impatient and angry...

"A man isn’t measured by how much alcohol he can handle or how much ass he can whoop, but how he handles himself in a time of a crisis."

Sick and Tired

I'm not in the mood to write a long, in depth post. As a result, I'm going to keep this short, sweet, and to the point.

- I'm hurting.

- Today was the first time I've cried in a VERY long time.

- I'm sick and tired of always having to sit in the "backseat." Continuously, I'm forced to be "the guy friend," or "the brother." It's old and to the point where I'm starting to feel resentment.

- I'm so tired of putting myself out there only to get shut down or ignored.

- I'm tired of seeing others enjoy the company of a significant other while I sit here "by myself." I hate to generalize, but this is my experience. Woman continue to request the blessing of a promising man, who won't do her wrong; however, they consistently ignore these gentleman. The asshole, athlete, douche-bag, player, and deadbeat continue to get chosen due to their initial allure, which seems to be almost always connected to money or aesthetics.

- I would be a fool to not acknowledge the people around me, and to not be thankful for the friendships that I've established. I do thank God for those relationships everyday, as without them I wouldn't be who I was today. Nevertheless, altruistic friendships are not enough. The need for passion, intimacy, and commitment cannot be ignored.